Evil and Demonic Hiring Managers 101:

Evil and demonic hiring managers 101

 

How to identify Evil and Demonic Hiring Managers (EDHM):

 

1)       They often name-drop people in the highest ranks of the organization to get your ass moving

2)       They often have no idea what they want, that’s why they just copy and paste a whole lot of crap on the Requisition Form or Job Description

3)       They change their requirements in the middle of a search and expect you to deliver in the same time span

4)       All their subordinates and team members seem to be resigning at the same time. When you ask them why they are resigning they just giggle and say “greener pastures”.

5)       They feel superior to you because they are creating profit for the company and you are just a measly cost center that could be outsourced

6)       They don’t show up for interviews but when their candidates are late for 5 minutes they sermon you about the crucialness of punctuality for 10 minutes

7)       They don’t fill up required documents because they are too busy counting their money

8)       They ask for a highly improbable combination of skills (“Chints, I sent you a requisition for 100 Zulu speaking Java developers with 6 years taxi driving experience. What is your plan to recruit this?”)

9)       They are not too happy when you tell them “Ok sir, I will hire what you want but please, tell me first, why the hell would anyone want to work in your department?”

10)   They are often too picky about the folks they hire when in reality, all their staff are treated as “numbers” anyway

11)   They give you impossible hiring criteria because they are either too greedy or too frugal (“I want my 6 sigma blackbelt quality manager to also be incharge of designing powerpoint presentations for the executive team”)

12)   They are lazy trainers since they want all their new folks to be able to “hit the ground running”

13)   After presenting several great candidates, they end up choosing the idiot who is the daughter of their politician friend

14)   They once had a bad hire from a certain company and now they never want to hire anyone from that company again

 

 

 

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Ideal Employee Referral Program

As we all know, employee referral programs are one of the best ways to bring in great hires. All we need to do is ask our employees to refer someone they know and they get a nice prize in return such as cash or gift certificates. Most big companies have established ERP systems with different pros and cons. From my experience, here’s the layout of the program that works best:

 

Policy:

Employees are only allowed to refer people they know personally because that was suggested by a paranoid executive and nobody from HR had the guts to contradict him.

If your referral is hired you will wait until he/she is regularized before we begin to process the cash payout to be credited to your payroll. Over all, this will take 12 – 16 months.

If you are no longer an employee when you are entitled for the bonus we will no longer credit your payout. Hopefully doing this will prevent you from leaving the company at that time unless you are really desperate.

If your referral is regularized he is not allowed to resign for a period of 6 months, only by then will we release your ERP bonus subject to as much tax as possible.

You and your referral, if hired, are not allowed to conduct any transactions involving money between each other for fear that you will be splitting the bonus.

You and your referral, if hired, will not be allowed to talk to each other for security reasons.

You may not know the status of those whom you’ve referred due to security reasons.

Any complaints about the ERP program will automatically nullify your eligibility to join the ERP program.

 

 

Process:

Employees must use our new Online Referral System where they will be asked to enter 3 pages worth of data about them and their referral.

We will not be providing access to the system during work hours. If you really wanted to help the company you would go out of your way to do so.

Any errors in data entry will be taken against you in your performance evaluation.

Do not forget to attach 3 scanned copies of any valid ID (must be government issued), your ITR and your COE.

You may request ITR and COE from HR when the HR officer comes back from maternity leave.

If you have complaints about the process you may log them on the site following the same procedure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Ideal Call Center Ad

CHIPETIX

We are a desperate global company who are about to lose a client who pays really well and makes our executives rich.

Don’t worry, you will be earning an above average compensation package (compared to construction workers) if hired.

See above the photos of our most gorgeous HR staff who will interview you with big smiles on their faces but will most likely hire only about 2.8% - 5.2% of you. And by the way, if you dont make it, we will NEVER let you know.

We will also resort to giving you any “Signing Bonus” when you sign our employment contract and any Gadget of your choice out of sheer desperation.

Enjoy our limited growth opportunities as our management make you believe that you have a chance of getting promoted when in actuality, we will only offer you a promotion once you’ve threatened to resign.

Apply now at your own risk! Tell your friends (preferably from your current call center)!

Job description:

Follow your script because we don’t trust your English speaking skills

Make sure to resolve all client issues and leave them with a delightful experience in 26 seconds or less

Take in as many calls as possible per day (lunch breaks now allowed!)

Seduce your QA officer to doctor your stats

Be a “know it all” during meetings so your TL thinks you are better than the others

Requirements:

Must have 2 years searching for a better job before resorting to work for us

Must have at least 6 months frustration at another call center

Must have at least 1 year experience searching for greener pastures (preferred but open to those that are trainable)

Must not have failed our application process in the past 6 months 2 weeks

Must not be Julian Palad III

What are you waiting for??? Join Chipetix now!

NEW!!! Worried about background checks? No need to hide bad company records! Job hoppers are now welcome!

“Cheap na, petiks pa!”

*any names occurring similar to anyone in real life is purely a matter of coincidence

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why we work

lets ask all the stupid questions! lets challenge the common wisdom!
this blog is about work and the corporate world. less about money but more about people.
i decided to write a blog because i sometimes find myself having epiphanies about work at odd times. sometimes i am with someone and i am able to share. we start a conversation and it leads to a nice discussion. but sometimes i am not with anyone and the thoughts are lost forever. what a shame!

i am a maverick HR professional and will not be afraid to share my views.
enjoy the Chinterviews!

Chints